My Post Partum Depression Story part I

Ok so prepare yourself because this one is a little longer than my usual posts, however for you to understand the gravity of what I went through, I cannot skip any parts. TRUST ME, it's so worth the read, especially if you are a mother or want to be a mother one day.

Background: I never wanted to be a mother. I specifically dated men with at least 2 kids since I was 19 so that I wouldn't be obligated to give them anymore. I had literally planned it out from that age that I just wanted to be a step mom and not the "mom mom". Anyway, 2017 comes along, I am head over heels in love with my then fiance and, got a little clumsy with my contraception... I don't need to explain how but just know that I did the stupidest thing you can do while on a pill and expected it to still work.. Duh!

So, I come back to Canada, leave my fiance in the UK where he resided and a few weeks after returning, I go out to party, have the worst hang over of my entire existence and knew this ain't no regular hangover, so I took a test, and guess what, your girl was 8wks pregnant! After discussing with my fiance we decided to keep the baby.

I felt nothing. Now hear me out, you know how pregnant women get excited about their bump, the flutters, the kicks etc. I dreaded all of it, and then when he started kicking I would literally flinch because it was the weirdest sensation. I just wasn't emotionally available for my growing baby.

6 October 2017. I go in for a regular ultrasound and during my appointment my water broke. They quickly rush me to the Early Labor Unit at the IWK Hospital here in Halifax, and the Doctors scramble to try and stop labor as I was only 27 weeks and 3 days, (for any men reading, this means I was barely 7 months pregnant and baby usually takes 9 months to cook). The doctors really did their best but my son was hard headed like his mama from the jump. He came out kicking and screaming the next day, 24 hours later.

I had an emergency C section, as I was not dilated enough to push and his heart rate kept dropping at alarming rates. I WAS ALONE. During my C section, as the doctors spoke to me about what was happening, and why I had 14 professionals in the room with me, I remember drifting away back to Punta Cana which was such a pleasant memory I had of me and my fiance. I don't remember what the doctors were telling me because I was not there. My body was, but my entire being had left the building!

At some point I hear my aunt's voice, who came in as they were stitching me back up, and I returned to that cold operating table. She kept crying and holding my hand telling me how strong I was, and all I could think was ofcourse God is punishing me for ever wishing I never got pregnant and now, just when I was starting to feel some sort of love for my baby, he takes him away.

The doctors show me this small frail little person who was in a plastic that was meant to keep him warm, and then rushed him to the NICU as he needed oxygen. I saw him for 1 min and 2 seconds.

Fast forward to 1 week into his life on earth, he got very ill with a disease called Necrotizing Entercolities (don't come for me on the spelling I dunno man). Anyway this disease is a flesh eating disease and it is fatal for preemie babies. It was eating his intestines and he was slowly dying. The doctors had to operate to cut out some of the dead intestines and stop the spread of the infection. Cue in the DEPRESSION.

I knew I wasn't happy about any of this but when my baby boy went for his first surgery I literally shut down. I stopped eating, stopped talking. Just stopped.

He obviously fought a long hard fight and 112 days later and 3 surgeries later he was discharged to finally come home.

He came home with an ostomy and an ileostomoy which basically means his intestines were hanging outside his body to give them a chance to heel. This meant he did not poop like normal babies. Instead he leaked into a little baggy that was attached to his belly, and I had to change it every day.

I went through the motions, I smiled when I thought that was the expectation, I laughed when I thought i had not been laughing for a while and didn't want my friends and family to think something was wrong even though something was...

This continued for the first 8 months of his life and then one day my husband said something, I don't even remember what it was but it set me right off. I literally fell to my knees and balled, not cried, screamed into the air. He held me and found how much I was shaking. I scared him. He had never seen me like this before. I was the happy, joking Ruvi that always made people laugh and here I was falling apart. He called my friends. They came over and asked me to go and take a nap while they watched Ano.

I did as I was told but just laid there in bed wide awake, hating myself. I couldn't believe I was this weak! What is wrong with you? I kept yelling to myself! You are lucky enough that your child survived and here you are feeling sorry for yourself! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! These are all the negative thoughts that ran through my mind. The guilt was eating me alive. So I gave up on the nap as being around other people would definitely be better than being alone.

Please stay tuned for part two.

Thank you for making it this far. And mommy, it will be ok! You will get through it.

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